When Are We Getting Married?
There are 2 main questions we get asked on a near daily basis:
1) How do we afford to travel and live the life we do? (we have a video up all about that btw click here to watch)
2) When are we getting married?
Today we are going to dive in, break down and take a deeper look into the second question.
First let’s all get on the same page for a moment. This will help us make sense of our perspective, why we aren’t “married yet” and why you may never see two people uniting the same way ever again! (Or at least be more open minded about it all).
Marriage is the union of two people right?
Well sort of...
Let’s look at the definition of a few variations of this word as it has evolved a bit over the years.
If you google "marriage" you get this:
The legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship (historically and in some jurisdictions specifically a union between a man and a woman).
Let’s break that down for a sec.
The LEGALLY or FORMALLY recognized union of two people ...
As partners in a PERSONAL relationship.
(We highlighted the important words for emphasis)
From what we have seen marriage has become a sort of show or party which is totally fine.
We have a show on YouTube so we get it. Shows are awesome and can be really fun!
Parties too! We love them just as much as you do!
The problem is that the party or show seems often to be for other people not the two coming together in union. For us this seems to be disconnected from why we are making this decision in the first place.
No shots fired here, you are free to do what you want and how you want with whomever you want... that is the beauty of life. It's simply just not what we desire to do.
We feel this thing we are doing called marriage really has little to do with a show or party for others. That is not saying we won't party with our loved ones, but it's worth noting this difference.
Again we actually have a show... (and we do it for us because it’s fun and allows us to live a certain type of way, but more on that in another post).
Now it also says LEGALLY or FORMALLY.
This means we can do it in a way that is formal to us and NOT necessarily “legal” or involving government or the state in any way.
Again the choice is totally ours.
Our right to practice our "religion of LOVE" is ours and up to us how we decide to express it. It's our right to express our own "religion", right?
That was how it was intended to be in the United States from what I was taught.
So are we on the same page still?
We don’t need to sign any legal documents if we choose and we can practice and acknowledge any form of union we decide to be right for us.
Here is another definition of the word marriage:
A combination or mixture of two or more elements.
(Usually used in music or mixing of ingredients for example).
Now it’s starting to get interesting...
The origin of the word marry comes from the French “marier” which turned into marry, then marriage.
When you see this together you can see how bringing two different elements together that are “marry” (from the old usage of being happy) to make that union even more happier or "marier".
Or in other words it was first meant to bring two already happy people together to make an even more happy state synergistically. Again this is our interpretation. You can have your own and we would love to hear it in the comments below.
To us this was meant to be the state of marriage. Mixing two together to become happier.
From our experiences this is not what most experience and in fact the opposite.
We can not tell you how many times we have heard from the husband, “Do NOT do it!”, when speaking about marriage and from the wife after someone has proposed, “How big is the ring”.
A blanket statement for sure and we know everyone thinks differently, however back in the USA these sentiments seems to be the dominant position.
Why would we want to sign up for this again?
Have you ever seen a great relationship take that next step only to be divorced in a few years time, or less?
Maybe we can do this a different?.. Why not?
What about cultures around the world? Is anyone else doing it "better"?
Well, we have been a few places. Thailand, Costa Rica and France to name a few.
We have read and seen research on this stuff too as it’s in our realm of consciousness. What we have discovered is basically a world-wide trend of failing marriages statistically. If you use 3 years as your marker for "longevity" (a low bar in our opinion).
Ironically in parts of the world where marriages are arranged by families, overall they seem to better when looking at length of time.
Do they find a stronger love somehow?
Do they fight less?
Is there less pressure because it’s out of their hands?
The short answer overall (again a generalization) is NO to all the above!
Here is what we found:
-They report loving each other about the same as anyone when comparing the data and anecdotal evidence.
-They fight about the same as the average western relationship.
-They feel pressure to make ends meet and be a good partner just like everyone else according to studies we have read and documentaries we have watched and people we have met.
The main difference is they see past what most people call “Love”. Or better put they realize that the thing you feel in the first 3-7 years for someone is just the beginning of love, not the end all be all of it.
Love grows infinitely, just not in the way most people think of it. In fact, love might be the most incorrectly used word we have in our language.
Instead arranged marriages see a partnership as a lifelong process. They realize that they will constantly need to work on this process till death do them part. It's not something that just happens like the fairy tales depict in movies.
In the real world there are ups and downs and situations that require a great amount of love to work through if that love is unconditional. Again unconditional love is the most rare as many have never experienced it.
Again this is our opinion.
Overtime these arranged marriages find out about each other in a way that removes the need for each other to “fill” the other one up like most people see love today in the USA.
The other person isn't there to make you happy, that comes from you. They are there to enhance your experience of your own inner happiness. Relying on someone else for your own inner happiness is a recipe for failure and conflict.
Most people we have seen seek a lover so as to gain something from them. It's a transaction. You give me this, and I will give you that in return.
A big ring
Everyone is different and in no way do we believe we are better than anyone here or trying to take some moral high ground.
In fact the opposite, we are taking the meekest of low grounds.
We are saying there is no show here. There is no dependcy on each other for our individual recognition of our own self value and worth.
We are totally here to make each other “marier”.
Two genuinely happy people coming together to make an even happier experience of life itself!
In this case 1+1 doesn't equal 2... it equals infinitely more!!!
In other words a 100% whole person coming together with another 100% whole person to make an exponential increase in life as a whole!
Nothing else required.
The key or “catch” to all this, as you might be asking yourself, is that we had to do this "work" within ourselves FIRST. We had to do a lot of looking in the mirror so to speak to grow as individuals. It was difficult at times but not as difficult as the alternative.
It was and still is1000% worth it.
It started with an internal process of learning more about who we really are. Finding deep love for ourselves, within ourselves, from our true selves.
We're discovering we are much more than we ever realized. And so are you if you take the time to go within and remember!
And we continue to remember and practice this process within ourselves as we walk alongside each other on this adventure we call life!
So in truth, we are already married. It may just not look like anything that’s going on today.
That doesn’t mean it’s any less sacred, beautiful or significant. And it also doesn't mean that we will never choose the traditional route either.
It's our choice. It's our love.
For us it’s of divine nature and order, because it’s from us. We are all from the divine. If you believe in something bigger than yourself than on some level you already get this.
Call it God, the universe, energy, vibes whatever. We are all made of it and it connects to everything. Science is beginning to even prove this with Quantum Physics (again more on this in another future post).
Lastly, if this resonates with you and you are in a similar situation, the next time someone asks, “When are you getting married?"
You can send them this post and say, “Well it’s sorta like this...”
With love and compassion,
- Wendy + Dan